Finding the answer to why

whyI have always been a “why” person. Most kids constantly ask the “why” question and eventually grow out of this phase. I never grew out of the “why” question (Thank God for my patient parents). I guess who I am as a “why” person stems from where I began.

I am adopted.

Being adopted is always a great conversation starter. And being the most socially awkward person ever, this is always my default. For example, whenever I am meeting new people and am told to introduce myself and say something interesting I always say “I am adopted”. The conversation usually shifts to “Do you know your parents?”, “Do you want to meet your family?”, “Is it hard to be adopted/Are your glad that your adopted?”.

Number-1-blog “Yes, I do know who my parents. Their names are Dale and Debby. They are the most loving and patient people I know. And no, I do not know my BIOLOGICAL parents. My adoption is closed and I know very little about my biological family.”

*In Indiana all formal adoptions prior to 1993 were closed adoptions.

Number-2

“I have a family, I grew up with them in Greenwood, Indiana. I love my family. I do have a strong interest in meeting my BIOLOGICAL family. I was told that I have two brothers and I would love to meet them. I am very interested in exploring another part of who I am.”

3

“I do not find it difficult to be adopted. I do not think about it everyday, but it is a part of who I am. When I was a teenager I had strong feelings of resentment about my adoption. I was bitter to everyone around me. I felt that a part of me had been taken but I did not know anything about that part. Since I came to know the Lord I have a redefined understanding of                            adoption. I can see the deeply engrained love and grace that is found in the                        actions of adoption.”

Back to the WHY 

Because I am adopted I have always been swayed to ask “why”. I have always have an extreme curiosity to know a different side of myself. In the psychology classes I took in college we would always go over twin studies and adoption studies. The studies would show the similarities between the family members even with having never known each other. These topics in class would always get me thinking about why I do the things I do. My curiosity to ask why also prompted me to desire to work with people and help them to answer their “why” questions. So I went to school for social work, and I learned to have an extreme love for research.

So why explain my love for the question “why” and my adoption story?

I have started my journey of attempting to locate and communicate with my biological family.

In Indiana at the age of 21 any adoptee can legally search for their biological family. Why 21? Who knows?!

I have always wanted to bein this journey but the timing was never right until recently. Now I have a child and I am married and I am settled into my life. I am content with where I am and I would not change a thing. The timing finally feels right.

The Journey begins…

Two weeks ago I submitted my information to the Indiana Adoption Registry hoping that my family had also registered. I got a letter in return stating that there was no match but that I could hire a confidential informant (CI) to help find my family. The letter listed the names and phone numbers of the CI’s in Indiana. So I googled confidential informant in Indiana and the name Jill Freeman popped up, she was on the list in the letter. When I looked her up I found out that she was part of Kirsh and Kirshthe adoption agency I was adopted through.

From there I sent an e-mail to Jill and explained my situation and that I was wanted to reconnect with my biological family. She responded the very next day and told me the steps in the process, they were so easy. I called her and gave her my information and she went somewhere in the office and located my file! She told me that she had my file and my biological mothers information. She had it in her hand! I was floored and amazed, everything felt so surreal.

Today Jill called me and told me that she had reached out to my biological mom. She said that her son had answered and that she was not home but would call back. OMG I have a brother?! Everything seems so close and so surreal. This journey is not over and has only just begun….

And now I wait

I do not know what I will say if I am given the opportunity. I have no clue where to begin and I have so much anxiety about it all. I know that God’s plan was for me to be adopted, and I am beyond thankful. He wanted for me to be raised by amazing parents who love me unconditionally to the moon and back. I have hope that I will be able to thank my biological mom for her decision and tell her all that she gave me.

I am praying that I will meet her and my BROTHER! (As an only child this is mind blowing). And I pray that I will finally find out the answers to my many “why” questions.

Thanks for reading, I’ll keep you updated on this new and exciting journey!

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Zip My Lips

zip the lips

The past few weeks I have been reading a book called Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman. The tag line is “What to say, how to say it and when to say nothing at all. ” I’m about half way through the book and I’ve become more and more aware of how I use my words. I am more aware of how much words matter and I am totally challenged!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!

The fact is that words do hurt people. Words can be traced back to the root of most problems. Words can solve conflicts or make them worse. Words bring a whole range of emotions good or bad. With one sentence we can bring down life long friendships and “solid” marriages. We have free will and can choose to say and do what we want in this world but there are always consequences, good or bad. Sin changes everything.

Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers over all wrongs. Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning.           Proverbs 10:12-13

I am guilty of saying hurtful words to those closest to me. I find it so easy to use my hurtful words to those closest to me. My sin is seen by them and my dirty laundry can not be hidden. I can not take my words back after they have left my mouth. This new study on words has made me become more and more conscious of my attitude positive or negative and the words that coincide. I am such a chatterbox with those closest to me but find it so difficult to speak openly and freely in any other situation. I am awkward and try to fill every quiet gap with words. I can’t stand the silence. The silence must be filled with words. Luckily I live in the mid-west….?

FillTheSilence

I was challenged by this question: If those closest to me were asked which would they say more accurately describes you: a great listener or a constant chatterbox?

I am the chatterbox! I struggle to just listen. I always feel the need to insert my opinion. Someone will ask me to pray about something and I do but I first think about is how the problem could be solved. I want to talk it out and provide a solution to the problem and then pray about it. It all seems so logical….but God wants me to go to him first. He wants me to use my words and go to him. God asks me to make him bigger and myself smaller. By constantly inserting MY opinion into a situation I am constantly trying to take GOD out of the situation.

Set a guard over my mouth Lord, Keep watch over the door of my lips.

Psalm 14 1:3

I have been praying over Psalm 14 1:3. It is my hope that I will be radically changed with how I use my words. I pray for my words to encourage and to lift others up. I pray that my words will bring love to my husband and daughter and not tear them down. I pray that my words would be silent when God needs to be loud.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

Psalm 139:4

Since getting pregnant and now having Hadley I have heard so many different ridiculous words said to my pregnant self or about my baby and I do not like them..Words said without thinking. Truth is that I do the same thing. I can not take back the negative hurtful words I say. I can not unsay what has already been said. The words are already out there creating first impressions and last impressions of myself. I want my words to be gentle and kind. I want my words to make God bigger and myself smaller.

Cheers to new challenges and God changing my heart!

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NEW

Before I had Hadley I was told by several co workers about crying and being emotional post baby. I did not take this seriously. I thought surely that won’t happen to me..but then it did.

I was calm when after 24 hours of trying to have a baby and I was calm when I was told I would have to undergo a C-section. I was calm during and after the c-section. I thought I was good smooth sailing, those people were crazy. But then it hit me after all the drugs wore off and I wasn’t surrounded by what felt like hundred of people and text messages. I CRIED. I cried because I didn’t know how to ask for a food menu from the nurse. I balled and cried like a 3 year old who didn’t get the last cookie.

Let me back up, I am not a person who cries much. In fact I knew that I should marry my husband because he was the first person I could cry in front of and not feel like I should hide in a corner. So crying over food menu’s was new territory for me.

Since coming home from the hospital and falling off the hormonal roller coaster I thought I was good again. But now I still find myself crying. Only now I find myself crying because I am happy. I am happier than I have ever felt in my life.

I cry because the love I feel for one small human being is completely overwhelming.

I cry because I feel so grateful to have her to snuggle her in my arms and to be her mom.

I cry because I never thought that I wanted to be a mom.

I cry because the love I feel is completely mine.

I cry because I have a very small understanding of God’s love for me as his child.

I cry because I can’t imagine the depth of God’s love to give up his one and only son, Christ, for my sins.

I cry because the idea of ever doing that in my life with my baby sounds impossible.

I cry because I am reminded of how amazing God truly is and how much he means to me.

I love being a mom. But I love being a mom because it has deepened my love and faith for life. And I love being a mom because I have learned that it’s OK to cry. And crying is a beautiful thing.

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